This year I had the absolute privileged of finding out we were expecting baby #3 of course we were trying but when it actually happens it sort of sends your world into fast forward.  We told our family at 12 weeks by putting a “BIG SIS” shirt on my little girl.  Everyone was super excited, I am part of 2 and my husband is an only child so this was uncharted waters for everyone but the more the merrier and life was just overflowing at that time.  Then my gender appt came along (which because I am antsy I pushed it up) and we found out it was a BOY!!  We had prayed for a boy but for a few second I had the “poor Miss Priss she won’t have the sister bond I had”…then I decided she will be so well looked after it is a good thing.  5 hours later my world collapsed…my life and I changed forever.

My OB called I was in the car with my kids having just picked them up from daycare, her first question “Where are you?”…I knew it wasn’t good.  Then it was “Where is your husband”…not good at all.  I am not one to just wait and call back so I made her tell me as I am driving my 2 precious ones home.  Our son was sick…really really sick.  He had Anencephaly, club foot, 1 kidney, and something to do with his umbilical cord that was wrong…he was sick.  I was a mess, called my husband..somehow drove home and in the process called my mom who then called my mother in law.  I got home and my mother in law walked in, got the rugrats with their 2 days worth of clothes and left (found out later my mom told her to do that).  We had our sad, mad, upset, hurt…not know what to do moments wrapped up in 2 days because we have 2 other little ones we have to worry about.  I talked to my OB that Monday when she was in the middle of meetings ( LOVE HER) and found out…I couldn’t keep carrying him…could not keep carrying me child.  If I went into labor there was the possibility I could hemorrhage, he was not going to survive outside of me for more than 2-3 minutes regardless but if I went into premature labor I could die.  We lost Connor Jackson July 1. 2011…I was 5 months pregnant…my heart and my life will never be the same but here is the point of telling you this story.  This or a miscarriage or a loss happens everyday…everyday.  I have had 3 friends lose a baby since we lost ours.

As women for some reason when something like this happens we hide, we don’t tell people.  We think it is our fault.  I can’t lie I will always have in the back of my head “If I had only taken extra Folic Acid this wouldn’t have happened” but even that isn’t guaranteed.  See I had a family friend that went through this exact thing yet she was able to carry her little guy to term.  She was able to hold him for a little while, she is still the strongest woman I know.  Life can suck but you can’t let these bad things define you….let it recharge your…let it see what exactly you want…and make it to where you fight for it.  IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!  If I could start a campaign I would but this is just my little shout into the world.  Many women have had multiple losses yet they keep trying because they know what they want.  We are trying and we will have a healthy baby whenever God decides it is time.  I have had so many people reach out to me since our loss not know how to help friends that are going through finding out their child has Anencephaly or someone that just had a miscarriage.  Here is what I wrote someone that found out their friend was going through the hell we did:

“You have no idea how happy I am that you are asking me about this. When we lost Connor the best person I talked to was a friend that would just listen. I didn’t talk to anyone the days after the procedure because I just needed to be alone. But to be honest I WISH I had a bff that would have come in my room and just let me cry. My mom and hubby were there but I wanted a friend someone to just hug me and let me cry and be pissed off. Another odd thing I wanted flowers, yes they die but I wanted them because they were pretty and made me realize someone was thinking of me (some people don’t like to get flowers). I also wanted people to ask, you know they beat around the bush waiting for you to bring it up (which I don’t blame them) but I have had some that just straight up ask and I LOVE that, I want to talk about it I want to draw attention to it…I don’t ever want people to forget. This is something that will be with her for the rest of her life, everyone elses’ life will go one, she will hopefully try again and have a perfectly healthy baby but she will never forget. Hug her a lot, support her, make her talk about it. I couldn’t carry to term because it was dangerous to me.  When we made the decision it was right for us, he wasn’t going to make it so if she decides to carry her as long as she can just support her. Treat her like she is carrying a healthy baby, but be there when she has those moments that she isn’t. It will change her, it will rock her to the core. Just hug her a lot, let her cry, let her be pissed, if she gets depressed..hug her.”

And another who lost her possibly 3rd baby:

“Oh honey I am so sorry . Here is the thing with what happened to us I could have let it define me, crushed me, changed me….I just let it change me. It made me realize how much I want a 3rd baby. I could easily just said ok we are done ours are perfect and life is marginally easy right now. But I know 10, 15, 30 years from now I will be wishing we had a 3rd baby…hell I still sort of want 4 ! My mom just had 2 and at least once a year she tells me how much she wished they had had more…I refuse to get older thinking the same thing. What has happened to us sucks, seriously sucks and make us wonder why. There is no reason and if anyone tells me “everything happens for a reason” I challenge them to tell me what the reason was. We are strong women that doesn’t mean we can’t cry…and grieve. I still grieve I still get teary eyed I still miss that baby. Just take a deep breath and when you get pregnant again it might not be the right time but that right time doesn’t last forever.  Moms are built to withstand A LOT…more then men that is for sure. So you can do it, if you want to…that is up to you. Just don’t write off having 3 if deep down with every ounce of your being you want 3.

That is just 2 of the MANY women who reached out to me…it is hard, it breaks you down but you build yourself back up.  Miscarriage is NOT a bad word, it happens it happens more than you know.  So don’t hide it.  I had a friend that went through multiple miscarriages as myself and friends were having our healthy babies yet I never knew.  Tell people it doesn’t do any good to keep it inside.  Women need to be there for each other in the happy times but especially in the hurting times.

Depth of Field: “the distance between the nearest and farthest objects in a scene that appear acceptably sharp in an image.”

There is A LOT that goes into knowing how to get bokeh: perfect exposure ie. fstop, shutter speed, ISO; getting people in focus, etc but here is just a picture to show what the different f-stops will do.  The more wide open your lens goes (the smaller the f stop, weird I know) the more bokeh you will have in your images.  I am a visual learner so hopefully this will point you in the right direction.  See the frame behind the ball as the fstop becomes larger the more in focus it becomes.

1/400  f1.8 ISO 200

There is a little bit of light in his eyes but see how dark his face is and that his eyes look sort of sunk in?

Here is the exact same location I just turned him around doing the little fist trick and this is what I got:

See his face is bright and eyes are really showing now…FOUND THE LIGHT

Hopefully this helps you, share it, come back and look at it, bookmark it…just enjoy!

This is only for Family sessions of up to 5 people.  Please email me at admin @jennymillerphoto.com to reserve your spot.  Session fee it due within 7 days to reserve your time slot, look forward to hearing from you!

Cluster of felt flowers on a white headband, perfect for a brand new little girl!

An adorable light pink felt flower with green leaves and white beads

So here is how you enter to win:

* Become a fan of Jenny Miller Photography on facebook

* Come back and leave a comment saying which one you would like (if you want to enter for both please leave 2 seperate comments only)

* Winner will be chosen at random on Tuesday March 15, 2011

You will LOVE these !  And if you don’t win you can order one too!

This little one was selling necklaces with his mom and grandmother, you should have seen his face when I showed him his picture on my camera!

He had just what he wanted and was amazing to talk to.  Born in Belize, moved all over, lived in Chicago and is now back in Belize.  His stuff was amazing!

This little girl just warmed my heart, how cute is she!  The thing about her mom you could see that just loved her.  My husband wanted to bring her home with us

Yes this is a restaurant and yes I ate there…enough said

Owned by a couple from Florida.  When you walk up there are tubes in the water and bucket to hand down your drinks….we stayed here for a while

Our resort: Coco Beach, absolutely amazing!